6 years later

more than 6 years have passed and I found this blog 

I read what's posted and remember everything

I find old pictures and movies, and I remember everything

Somehow we're broken

I haven't had a decent conversation with you in over two years

Part of me feels it's because I broke us

Most of me feels we can heal

Days like this are filled with regret

they are also filled with hope

I've learned a few things as time has passed

My mistakes aren't who I am

but they can't be forgotten

when we forget we don't learn

when we forget we don't change

when we forget those we've harmed may never heal

I truly understand that I have no power over anything anymore

not when it comes to another person

I'm really scared...

The movie Green Lantern has struck a chord with me recently. It's a movie about the power of will versus the power of fear.

So, it makes me realize. All the things I want to accomplish, are perfectly within my reach. So, why have I not accomplished them?

Has fear overpowered my will for so long I have now just decided to give up before I even start?

The answer to that is yes.

Now, how do I change that? And what exactly am I afraid of?

Lonely Sunday...

I'm waiting for tomorrow.
I have no idea what's going to happen.
I'm conflicted in righteousness, but guilty in foolishness.
Everyone was safe, no laws were broken, nothing impaired. I wasn't drunk.
I relapsed the previous week, and had been working, and succeeding in getting it together again. Meetings, phone calls, doing the right thing.
Dinner was cooking. Everyone was having fun. I was in pain though, horrible cramps that I'd never experienced before.
Then I saw it. A bottle from days before.
I've only now realized. You think I drink because of you.
I will spend the rest of my life, proving that's not true.
I drink because of me. Because of something unsatisfied. Sadness, I think. A whole lot of sadness.

Through your life I hope you can be happy.
Not searching for something more than what you have, or more than what you are.
Appreciating all the people in your life as they are, no different.
It's the hardest thing to do, and when we fail, the devil is paying attention.

I will never drink again. For fear of losing you.
For fear of losing myself.
Those are words coming from someone who's just let this happen.
Only time will tell.

I've read enough and talked to enough mothers to know that if I don't stop, eventually you are going to shut me out. You'll love me and it will hurt. You'll learn to depend on me and then watch me turning to alchohol and you'll soon decide not to depend on me anymore. You'll learn that while I'm fun and loving and sweet, I'm probably drinking. There's something that just makes it all wrong when I'm drinking. No matter how honest and full of love my heart is for you. To you, it just makes it wrong. You'll feel that I think I need to be drunk in order to be happy. You might already feel that way.

It's not true. I've been so happy with you both being sober. And I'd been sober for a long time.
One trip, derailed, I wasn't prepared, and my sobriety and you and your sister paid the price.

This week without you has been torture. And I've not had one drink. I'm experiencing this with a sober mind realizing what all this really means to you. How all this really affects you, rather than feeling sorry for myself crying about how it affects me. I do miss you and your sister terribly and I cry over the hours remembering the look on your face, the fear in your eyes, the sadness of realizing that mommy drank again. I'm an asshole. Your anger and disgust is completely deserved and I will pleasantly deal with whatever comes from all this.

One thing that has come to mind as well. We have talked over and again about how life is with your dad. He's the best person he can be, but we both know there's something missing when it comes to relating, or feeling, or caring, or whatever. Doing what I've done I've left you and your sister depending on him for the comfort that I know you can't receive from him. Maybe you can, sometimes, and I'm glad when he does. But knowing that you might be being yelled at for having feelings, during this difficult time for you, makes me more angry at myself. You depended on me, and I've been good to you. And because of what I've done, I can't be there for you, and you can't depend on me.

This will change. I will show you. I will never ever let this happen again, no matter what it takes. And whether you like it or not, we're going to church. And I'm going to start talking to you about things we've been avoiding. I need you to understand, as much as possible, that my drinking has NOTHING to do with you. Much of my life has been filled with feelings of sadness and I've not dealt with that. Growing up as a young girl, young lady, and grown woman, I remember how good it feels to have friends. I also remember how horrible it felt having friends sometimes. Expectations, choosing the wrong ones, trusting the wrong ones. There is a lot of stuff you will be going through and you will need someone to talk to about it all. I didn't talk to anyone. I shoved it down. I never learned how to understand that I deserve good people around me, and I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I did however learn how to constantly want to be around people who didn't treat me right, hoping one day they would see how much they were missing by not being good to me. What a waste of time that was. Living a life in need of validation from those who just didn't deserve my company. It's so very important to value yourself based on your internal perception of your own awesomeness, not on how awesome others make you feel.

This sense of Anger...

Between the tears and regret, there comes this sense of anger.

It happens when I acknowledge that this is all because of me.

And two little innocent girls are in the crossfire.

I'm the one who's supposed to make you feel safe.

And now you won't feel safe around me for a very very long time.

In between the tears and regret, there comes this sense of anger.

Grief.. a ton of bricks..

I'm walking down the hallway at work to get coffee and throw away some trash and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I'm working at my computer, fixing a technical problem, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Memories of fun and happy times are flooding through my brain, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I know I'm not going to get to see you for a while, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I know I've made a horrible mistake, and it hits me like a ton of bricks.

And the tears, roll down my cheeks, like a ton of bricks.

The Benefits of Being Raised by an Alcoholic Mom

The Benefits of Being Raised by an Alcoholic Mom

I read this article and it scares me to think what my young daughters are going through with my alcoholism. They're going to pull away, constantly knowing that whether now or later, their trust in me is going to get smashed into a million tiny pieces. Because that's what just happened. We had come such a long way and then I do it again. We made so many good repairs and crossed so many challenges, and then I.. me.. myself.. I destroy it all. I destroy the hearts of the two people I love the most in my life.

My promises are empty. I'm building a track record and a reputation. I'm becoming that alcoholic mom you read about. The one you kinda want to feel sorry for but at the same time feel angry at for doing it again and again. From outside, it looks like I don't care. From my little girls' hearts, it looks like I don't care.

Painful Emptiness

I woke up again this morning remembering what I've done.
The pain in my heart, for what I've done.
Leaving you alone, in so many ways. Alone in a place I spent many years.
And I'm sorry.
I will fix this.
I will fix this and make it up to you both.
By my actions I'll show you. Day by Day. One day at a time.
Thinking of you always. You both are the light that brightens my life.
Things get so bright, and then I dim the lights. And break your hearts.
God I love you. Unmeasurable in so many ways.
Your hair, your smiles, you're beautiful eyes.
I will fix this. I'm still here.

Realizing What I've Done.. Broken.. Again

I'm realizing what I'm going to miss because of my actions.
I'm realizing what I've done to hurt you.
I'm realizing that I made you scared.
I'm realizing that I did this.
I'm realizing there is no fix.
I'm realizing there is no time machine to take it all back.
I'm realizing I knew I was wrong.
I'm realizing I did it anyway.
I know what I did was foolish.
I understand now that it was careless and thoughtless.
I know that it could get worse.
I'm mad that I'm not allowed to do what I want, when I want.
I'm mad that I'm mad about that.
I'm mad that I like alcohol, some people don't, why do I?
I'm discovering that I'm very sad, and very lonely inside.
I'm discovering that my sadness overwhelms me to confusion.
I'm sad that I don't have love, but I do.
I'm sad that no one likes me, but they do.
I avoid being close to people, in any meaningful kind of way.
I'm full of hype and am always a let-down.
No follow through or completion.
I say that but reflect on what I have accomplished;
and also what I've just thrown away.
I threw away you, and I never meant to.
I never wanted to, just the opposite.
You are the dearest thing in my life, however expendable it seems
by the whim of one drink. One careless decision.
You caught me and I knew, it was all over.
By the look on your faces I broke your heart, I broke your trust, and I broke your life.
Again.
I don't want to be that person. I want to be your mommy, forever.
And I will be.
In my home where you are safe, and comfortable, and always free.
But right now, I've broken it.
Again.